I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”