@TheTweetOfGod: I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don't work.
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@AnAverageGiant: Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
@mean_spice: Teacher: welcome to health class Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her? Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
@Abusitron: Minister: if anyone objects to this unio- Me: *raptor call* Groom: *raptor call* Guests: *chorus of raptor calls* *Bride gets devoured*