@TheTweetOfGod: I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don't work.
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@sofarrsogud: Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids! Wife: But we d.. *I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats Meet Frank and Dolores
@funnybeachgirl: Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?
@SteveSuckington: [first date] "You're not into anything weird right?" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*