I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.