I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
my fav colour is also hitler
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers