I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.