I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
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The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL