I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Finally, an explanation.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
He just like my cat fr
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?