I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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my professor scared me for a second
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn鈥檛 even care that it鈥檚 on your legs.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They鈥檙e for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don鈥檛 know how
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I鈥檓 done talking to you for now.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 馃槅
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
what the
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I鈥檝e seen wax fruit less fake than you
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.