“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
A family that plays together cheats.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..