I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I hate my earbuds.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening