I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
TRAIN’S HERE
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.