[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.