PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
me adding lol on a serious message
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I only treason on days ending in y
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Woke up with morning Yule Log