“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I saw this ending much differently.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”