@MikeCanRant: I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering "Your end is nigh, letter boy."
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@Jen_says_nah: *puts message in a bottle *stares longingly out at sea and throws it in *gets tazed and arrested for littering
@simoncholland: My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
@ImFunnyMang: And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
@qwertying: "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."