A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again