I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*