I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
the composer
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok