@seamussaid: I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she'll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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@G_Faylor: [blind date] HER: I'm a first-grade teacher. ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@jasonroeder: I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED