@seamussaid: I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she'll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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@SortaBad: Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
@BatmanOffDuty: *Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo... Coming... *other Indian replies* New... Fire... Who... Dis?
@MissNaughty1801: *approaches man sitting at the bar Me: would you like to dance Him: yeah! Me: that's great because I need to sit down
@lazerdoov: Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run? (Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos) Me: I have shin splints