I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!