@seamussaid: I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she'll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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@jergarl: "You're an idiot." -My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word "HAY!" while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
@robdelaney: I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
@DanMentos: [at funeral] "it was so sudden" really? "yeah right in the middle of rap battle" I thought you said he died of dysentery TERRY: That's right