@seamussaid: I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she'll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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@NicCageMatch: My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
@iamspacegirl: "Makin all the ladies drop they panties" I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria's Secret.
@chuuew: ME: sorry boss, can't come in today. i'm sick as a dog. DOG: [heelys passed - smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
@thesulk: "Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?" "Can't. Scared." "Of the water?" "No. Palindromes."