I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
You Might Also Like
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.