[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life