[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
This classic never gets old . . .
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction