@Elizasoul80: I walk around in public saying "wait for me guys" so everyone thinks I have friends.
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@inojperez: [Family Dinner] Me: Grandma, please pass the updog. Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose* Grandma: What's updog? Me: Not much, how about you?
@errdayhustlah: My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one. Parenting is hard, you guys.
@robotmouthfarts: Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
@JermHimselfish: I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's gravy recipe was very specific.