I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Cucumbers Anonymous
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.