which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.