If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Pizza is an emotion right?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”