Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.