I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.