My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
This is amazing.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”