[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day