mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…