me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
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PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
what鈥檚 something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it鈥檚 easier to make burgers out of it.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it鈥檚 sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He鈥檇 thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she鈥檇 wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.