Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The 6 types of sex
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.