God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??