I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
me hooking up with my ex
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery