I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Florida man
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Every BBC series about the universe.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment