I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]