@teacup_giraffe: I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you're right fellas, men are smarter than women.
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@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@Jenny4ashley: Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
@NicestHippo: PLATO: I'm famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph-- It's for relationships where nobody's getting laid