wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss