I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
You Might Also Like
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.