@jergarl: I walked out naked one time and she's like wtf. And I'm like this is how god made me! And she's like no that's how beer and tacos made you.
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@VeryLonelyLuke: I ordered a pizza. I don't think the guy understood how to get here. Is it free if it's 5 years late?
@HotSnuff: Guy told me I have "Bambi eyes"...is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don't shoot my mother.
@VodkaThursday: In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat
@BlindChow: [unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm– dog: he drinks wine through a straw