Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Zack Greinke stories are the best
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?