I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
$4 #usedbooks
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.