When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Seas the day!!!!
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.