@lazerdoov: I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast
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@SortaBad: "I'm excited for the continental breakfast" *sees a buffet just full of ice cubes* "What the..." Sign: Today's Continent is Antartica
@Steve_hamiltin: We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played
@brendohare: I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. "Did you notice I'm wearing a suit?" "Yes"
@jake_likes_naps: DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION