If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You Might Also Like
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.