I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*limbos away from your hug*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.