Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse