[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
You Might Also Like
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.