[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it