I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
You Might Also Like
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought