I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
What a chick magnet..
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish